BESTSELLERS & BEST FRIENDS
My book publishing blog, with murder mysteries woven through it.
If this is your first visit, be sure to start with “1. Let’s do it!”
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I was promoting my Hot Dog Cookbook which was really the late Senator John Heinz’s book. (If you skipped the blog entry that makes sense of that last sentence, see this posting.
My New York-based media tour caused me to hang out (literally) with Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts.
We were both booked on “Regis and Kathie Lee Live!” and sitting in the Green Room with our publicists, doing small talk. My publicist was a nervous wreck. I suppose I didn’t inspire—she kept going to the loading dock for a smoke.
And I went to the men’s room.
It was small—a toilet stall, a urinal, and a sink. I was using the urinal when Charlie walked in, to also pee. But instead of using the toilet stall, he squeezed next to me to share the urinal. And there we both were, as I said, “hanging out.”
Which is when he said, “So you’re that hot dog man?” My mind nearly exploded, so many possible clever/brilliant/funny things to say, as we stood there holding our wieners. But I simply went with, “Yes,” and zipped up.
A bit later, I go on air. The show is “live,” not taped, with about five million viewers. Sally and Randy are in the third row of a small audience. A long table on stage is covered with various dishes prepared from my book. Regis and Kathie Lee to my left, we slowly moved along the table, me describing the dishes, them asking questions.
Regis’s favorite recipe of mine (well, Heinz’s)
Regis was clearly thinking of his more worthy guest, as he kept calling me “Charlie.” “Charlie” this, “Charlie” that. It was a bit annoying. Should I say something? Correct him? After all, this is live. And he is Regis.
Damn it!—I’m having an out of body experience, live, in front of five million people.
(Wait a minute! You need to know that I have a weird “L” word speech impediment. I say “tile” and “towel” the same. “Pole,” “pool,” and “pull” the same. “Cool” and “cole” the same.)
We got to the toppings. I talked about “chili, corn salad, onion rings,” and when I said “coleslaw,” it came out “cool slaw.”
Regis interrupted, “Hold on Charlie! Cool what?” I heard Sally gasp, and Randy burst with a laugh.
Sally and I had practiced for hours to be sure there’d be no “L” words for me to say, but we forgot about the coleslaw topping. “What did you say Charlie,” Regis insisted.
Fuck it, I figured, and replied, “Cool slaw, I can’t say L words. And,” I smiled, “my name’s Jess, not Charlie.” He muttered a quick “sorry.” And I, trying to be funny, said, “That’s OK, Ralph.”
“Hey Ralph, it’s ‘Jess.’ Not ‘Charlie.’”
And boy, Regis looked pissed. He just checked out on me, wandered to the end of the table, and Kathie Lee and I finished it off.
Sally rewound the tape back to when Randy laughed.
Then we hugged each other.
Years later, Peter Reynolds and I were doing an autographing session at a book convention for our picture book, Tess’s Tree. And holy smokes, at the table next to me was Kathie Lee, autographing her new book, “Just When I Thought I’d Dropped My Last Egg.”
I just had to re-introduce myself and remind Kathie Lee of when I was on her show. I reached over to shake hands, her nervous publicist stepped closer, I said, “I was on your show.” Kathie Lee wasn’t being very friendly, so I reminded her, “I’m the hot dog man.” She turned back to her stack of books, and her publicist motioned for security.
Tomorrow: 5 windows vs. 6 windows